As much fun as we had this weekend, there were a few struggles as there always will be in the beginning of a relationship. I am struggling with talking through our scenes--even initiating a talk through is difficult. Neither of us have tried most of the BDSM play techniques and while we are very clear on our hard, soft limits, slow down and safe words--neither of us has tried hot wax play or mummification play, so it is very difficult for Me to ask much more than "Think you'll like this?" And 98% of the time the response is just "i don't know-- guess we'll find out!" The good news is that we did find out.
For Me the not knowing is a little scary but it scares Me more on the emotional/ psychological side of BDSM. My sub enjoys serious verbal humiliation bordering on degradation which from most of my reading is considered psychological edge play so I am hesitant to go overboard or try new words or objects of humiliation and/or degradation. Slowly and steady seems the most prudent course for escalation, so I am working on that. Along with creativity because there are only a certain number times I can say "you dirty slut" and not be bored with it-- so I am working on that part as well. Thus far, I've learned a couple things he likes and a couple that he really doesn't like. Nothing so intense as to cause disruption of a scene etc, but clear delineation of his likes and dislikes. For example, he enjoys being told that he is "dirty" but he doesn't like being called "small" and he physically flinched at the use of "useless." We discovered this after our first planned scene.
Our first scene was thought out, and we'd talked through out the week about different things, and I subsituted those hours of conversation for our talk through. I will never forget coming through the door in My black teddy, thigh highs and red opera gloves to seeing him bowed over on his knees in front of the bed. My hands were shaking with the power of certainty that we were both about to have a lot of fun. A few spanks and pushes and pulls into the scene I felt invincible, like liquid electricity had been poured down my spinal cord. I could feel him looking at Me while I forbade him to touch, or kiss Me while I masturbated with My vibrator. his desire was empowering. The look of need he gaze Me made Me sure I could ask anything in all the world of him and he would gladly do it. The buzz in My skin soon made My head swim and my legs feel week.
I mentioned in My first post that I went off book during our first planned scene and ended up in tears trying to determined what had happened. Let Me say this about venturing outside of your plan-- unless you are both naturally switches that like to top or bottom equally don't put yourself or your sub in that situation. I asked him to take a physical position that indicated that he would be dominating me. I asked him to pull my hair-- I'm still not sure why I did it, put in a spilt second I felt every ounce of power in Me shrivel. Suddenly instead of empowered or alive, I was unsure and terrified. I didn't intend to do it, but I spoke without thinking and decided to just go with it, not realizing that I was completely outside my role, and putting him in a bad position emotionally since he does not want to Top. There he was trying to comply with My demand to be dominated, but still needing to remain submissive to Me. This was bad for both of us since by my nature I am not a submissive and acting as such even for a few moments was disconcerting and new in a kind of scary way. A few moments after we broke that scene he held me and assured Me that while he had not liked what happened, he was still okay and I assured him that I was okay. While the scene itself ended quickly, we salvaged our fun by engaging in a little light play, that had Me feeling powerful and aself assured again and gave him a sense of assurance in Me. We talked and laughted together, and then we talked about taking things a little slower--experimenting with different aspects of play outside planned scenes. We determined that positioning was important to both of us so we learned something from it and had a lot of fun up to that point.
All that self-assurance coursing in Me over 72 hours had Me on a high like nothing I have ever experienced, one that made Me feel right all the time. One that made my head feel light and my feet feel electrified. I supposed the best way to come off any high is to wean yourself, which I tried to do, but still I am struggling with "Dom drop." Once we break for more than a couple of hours I have a terrible head ache, feel achy and exhausted and shaky. I've notice a lot of the same in my sub and he will be posting to talk about his experiences with "sub drop" which from what I can see in him is much worse than what I am dealing with. It will put serious restrictions on our play time since we both had to take Monday off work to cope with the symptoms. I will say that taking care of him as we slide out of our play/roles is a joy. I don't enjoy watching him go through what I can only describe as withdrawals (from what we've read that's precisely what it is--withdrawals from the endorphin rush and the drop in adrenaline from the hours we spent in play) but in those moments when he is sliding back from his mode of servitude, he allows Me to reward him for his hard work with holding, caressing, a massage, grooming, or a cool rag to his neck which is another source of a different kind of power-- the nuturing aspect make Me feel warm and loving. Which significantly ease my anxiety of the shakes and the headache.
Our next session is a couple weeks away so we'll be researching, planning and posting some thoughts on that research I am sure.
~Mistress Lane
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