Wednesday, April 22, 2009


I don't tend to convey emotion as well in prose as I do in verse... I wrote this for my sub, enjoy.

When we sit
together in silence

When we stand
together amid the cacophony
of life in the world outside

When we dance
through the watercolors
raining in the heart and head

When cool soft water
plays across warm skin
in rivulets of leading and desire

When warmth
is exchanged for white hot distraction
that keeps you only in this moment
allowing no other thought to
intrude this space

When cold
becomes an unsettling tether
to the possession
of your body and mind

When the music
does not soothe, but
pounds in your muscles and
rages on your temples

When touch
is no longer gently caring
no longer a reassuring guide
rather each caress
is followed by
the dull throb of raking nails
by the stinging end of
the whip's tail
each touch
feels possessing and taunting

When your heart pounds
more with anticipation
than fear

of the next moment
the next action
the next breath of silence
and unspoken trust

When your face contorts
with the ecstasy of pain
with the joy of willingness
with the peace of giving

When you howl
in the intensity of
each touch...
each breath...
each plea...
each tear...
each thrust...
each sensation...

you are Mine

~Mistress Lane

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

In the Beginning...

This weekend I had a wonderful time with my sub. This was our first real opportunity to play since we discovered BDSM. We played around with a few BDSM activities that we had not tried before... My favorite was avoiding breaking scene for the weekend. We did break a few times but for the most part from late Friday until mid-morning Monday we maintained our Mistress/sub personas. This required trust and commitment to premise that was a little stressful at first and in the waining hours, but every time he called Me "Mistress" my skin tingled and my breasts throbbed. Over the last couple weeks I wasn't really sure how to talk to him as his Mistress without sounding stern or overbearing, but that discomfort and concern faded quickly as we walked through a local park and visited with friends. he simply obeyed unquestioningly and adored Me for giving him directions, or answering his requests. We played briefly before our first planned scene which while not what I had hoped for ended pretty well, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

As much fun as we had this weekend, there were a few struggles as there always will be in the beginning of a relationship. I am struggling with talking through our scenes--even initiating a talk through is difficult. Neither of us have tried most of the BDSM play techniques and while we are very clear on our hard, soft limits, slow down and safe words--neither of us has tried hot wax play or mummification play, so it is very difficult for Me to ask much more than "Think you'll like this?" And 98% of the time the response is just "i don't know-- guess we'll find out!" The good news is that we did find out.

For Me the not knowing is a little scary but it scares Me more on the emotional/ psychological side of BDSM. My sub enjoys serious verbal humiliation bordering on degradation which from most of my reading is considered psychological edge play so I am hesitant to go overboard or try new words or objects of humiliation and/or degradation. Slowly and steady seems the most prudent course for escalation, so I am working on that. Along with creativity because there are only a certain number times I can say "you dirty slut" and not be bored with it-- so I am working on that part as well. Thus far, I've learned a couple things he likes and a couple that he really doesn't like. Nothing so intense as to cause disruption of a scene etc, but clear delineation of his likes and dislikes. For example, he enjoys being told that he is "dirty" but he doesn't like being called "small" and he physically flinched at the use of "useless." We discovered this after our first planned scene.

Our first scene was thought out, and we'd talked through out the week about different things, and I subsituted those hours of conversation for our talk through. I will never forget coming through the door in My black teddy, thigh highs and red opera gloves to seeing him bowed over on his knees in front of the bed. My hands were shaking with the power of certainty that we were both about to have a lot of fun. A few spanks and pushes and pulls into the scene I felt invincible, like liquid electricity had been poured down my spinal cord. I could feel him looking at Me while I forbade him to touch, or kiss Me while I masturbated with My vibrator. his desire was empowering. The look of need he gaze Me made Me sure I could ask anything in all the world of him and he would gladly do it. The buzz in My skin soon made My head swim and my legs feel week.

I mentioned in My first post that I went off book during our first planned scene and ended up in tears trying to determined what had happened. Let Me say this about venturing outside of your plan-- unless you are both naturally switches that like to top or bottom equally don't put yourself or your sub in that situation. I asked him to take a physical position that indicated that he would be dominating me. I asked him to pull my hair-- I'm still not sure why I did it, put in a spilt second I felt every ounce of power in Me shrivel. Suddenly instead of empowered or alive, I was unsure and terrified. I didn't intend to do it, but I spoke without thinking and decided to just go with it, not realizing that I was completely outside my role, and putting him in a bad position emotionally since he does not want to Top. There he was trying to comply with My demand to be dominated, but still needing to remain submissive to Me. This was bad for both of us since by my nature I am not a submissive and acting as such even for a few moments was disconcerting and new in a kind of scary way. A few moments after we broke that scene he held me and assured Me that while he had not liked what happened, he was still okay and I assured him that I was okay. While the scene itself ended quickly, we salvaged our fun by engaging in a little light play, that had Me feeling powerful and aself assured again and gave him a sense of assurance in Me. We talked and laughted together, and then we talked about taking things a little slower--experimenting with different aspects of play outside planned scenes. We determined that positioning was important to both of us so we learned something from it and had a lot of fun up to that point.

All that self-assurance coursing in Me over 72 hours had Me on a high like nothing I have ever experienced, one that made Me feel right all the time. One that made my head feel light and my feet feel electrified. I supposed the best way to come off any high is to wean yourself, which I tried to do, but still I am struggling with "Dom drop." Once we break for more than a couple of hours I have a terrible head ache, feel achy and exhausted and shaky. I've notice a lot of the same in my sub and he will be posting to talk about his experiences with "sub drop" which from what I can see in him is much worse than what I am dealing with. It will put serious restrictions on our play time since we both had to take Monday off work to cope with the symptoms. I will say that taking care of him as we slide out of our play/roles is a joy. I don't enjoy watching him go through what I can only describe as withdrawals (from what we've read that's precisely what it is--withdrawals from the endorphin rush and the drop in adrenaline from the hours we spent in play) but in those moments when he is sliding back from his mode of servitude, he allows Me to reward him for his hard work with holding, caressing, a massage, grooming, or a cool rag to his neck which is another source of a different kind of power-- the nuturing aspect make Me feel warm and loving. Which significantly ease my anxiety of the shakes and the headache.

Our next session is a couple weeks away so we'll be researching, planning and posting some thoughts on that research I am sure.

~Mistress Lane

Monday, April 20, 2009

First Things First

Who I am and Why I'm Here

I am Mistress Lane and my sub is a beautiful, wonderful man who suffers so prettily for me. he chooses to remain nameless not just in this blog but in our scenes as well. he will be writing about that choice soon, and posting regularly.

I am typically a shy, good natured woman with a 9-5 job, 2 kids, a house, bills, and family woes. I am a single mom and my kids spend lots of weekends with their father during which time my sub and I play.

I have never been known for violence or outbursts-- they are very rare for me. I tend to be an emotional "bottler." I usually hold back my emotions until the pressure causes uncontrollable crying jags or the occasional raised voice. As Mistress Lane, however, I am in control of each moment and movement. The sensation of power makes this "bottling" unnecessary, makes me able to share myself wholly, honestly with my lover. That is why I made the choice to study and practice BDSM. Not because I am power hungry or to compensate for something that I am missing in my life. Being able to issue orders, be obeyed, enforce limits and be adored for it is empowering and enables true openness between my sub and myself. When we slide out of our respective "roles" I can feel his guard go back up and I'm sure he can feel the same in me.

As we take this journey, learn more and discover things about each other and the community, we will post our thoughts etc. My sub is studying some of the psychological aspects of this kind of lifestyle and I am sure will have brilliant analysis of it. He works slowly and meticulously, but I will have him at least post an introduction of himself soon.

Our First Time
One Sunday morning, my lover and I had the most incredible argument. One in which I was prepared to leave him for good because I felt that our communication had broken down irreparably. As I gathered my things to leave his home, we talked and fussed and raise our voices... and got no where. Finally he told me to leave, essentially kicked me out of his home, but in the same breath he said "If you leave, you know you aren't welcome back." That told me 2 things: he was still truly upset and angry and he still wanted me-- in his home, in his life. So I refused to leave.

"We're going to talk this through. If you want me out, kick me out." I told him sternly.

"I think I just did, I told you to get out." He smartly responded.

"You want me out that bad-- call the police." And to my shock and horror, he did just that.

I got up, in tears, in shock, grieving for a relationship that was clearly over. He hung up the phone assuring the police that they were not needed after all and before I could make it to the door to leave, we were suddenly talking through problems we'd had for months-- issues of the mind, the bed and most of all the heart.

Eventually, we were holding one another and crying... and soon we were having that all too amazing make up sex. That was when it happened-- he asked me to hit him. He asked me to slap him. He'd asked before and I'd delivered mild blows to his ass or back, but I had never before that day slapped anyone. Looking down, into his eyes from my perch atop him I saw how much he wanted me to do this, so I did it. The first was a light blow to his right cheek, and I watched him pump his hips into me responding to the sensation. To my shock and significant fear, I wanted desperately to hit him again-- hard. Not because I was angry, but because he clearly wanted that, and it made me tingle with electricity and life! I waited until he asked again, and his response was stronger, and before either of us realized it, I was giving him orders, slapping him, calling him names, paddling him with a hairbrush, and eventually fucking his ass with a strap-on (that we took a special trip out of the house to go buy) before urinating on him in the tub. By the end of the day we were both exhausted, sore, and incredibly happy in each others' arms. We'd both had countless orgasms and talked more honestly about our relationship and sex life than we ever had before.

For several days afterward I was a research fiend (as was he) and thanks to innumerable bloggers, medical and psychological journals I was assured that I was not a freak or a horrible person. Nothing that we did was outside of the BDSM mantra "Safe, Sane, and Consensual."

I guess the biggest reason I'm writing this now even though there are a million blogs about BDSM out there is to assure those just finding this as a desire or even a need in their relationships that their is nothing wrong with you... that after that first time you try it things will go crazily wrong, and spectacularly right.

Our first planned scene was a disaster-- beautifully arranged and costumed...until I went off book... and somehow wound up crying in his arms repeating that I wasn't sure what had happened. he held and loved me,whispered reassurances and calmed me. Then we showered, talked for several hours, engaged in a light scene that reassured us both before we slept with him curled up safely in my lap.

I tell you this so that you understand that not every scene goes the way it is planned, and that in the first weeks we have struggled to find the place we both want to be. It's hard to talk through what's going to happen when you're still discovering and experiementing with what you like and what your partenar wants. Our scene broke down because I thought I would like something that it turns out I hated. I just have to remember it happens and things won't be perfect all the time. I have to learn, and give Myself time to grow into My role. It will be worth the work and the tears, and I can already see that in his beautiful golden green eyes. So the next time we end up with a broken scene for whatever reason, I have them there to remind me to give Myself time and forgiveness, and so that we can give each other comfort, and try again.

~Mistress Lane